Right now

I was on the computer and heard noises from the neighbors. When I looked at the clock at some point it was 11:02 PM. I couldn’t tell exactly where the noise came from, just the general area. It sounded like a couple of women and I couldn’t tell if they were screaming or wailing. Then one was wailing and saying something like her father was dead and the police didn’t care. I couldn’t tell if this was about something that had happened or was currently happening. There were dogs barking and it seemed like other sounds, too. It wasn’t one of those “shut the door and don’t worry” things — it seemed worrisome. Then all of a sudden I heard shots (I think 5) and screaming and someone saying to get down and I think someone said she was hit or someone was hit. You bet your boots I closed my door and hit the ground. My lights were off while my door was open, but I still couldn’t see anything. But I don’t think they could see me either. At some point shortly before the shots I heard a ton of sirens, but that didn’t mean they were coming here. After I heard the shots I kept trying to figure out how to call 911 on my stupid cell phone and finally managed to do so. The landlines aren’t plugged in because they keep disconnecting.

The sirens were for here, and a ton of cops came. But I don’t know if they got the shooter, or what happened. What was going on that they were coming here to begin with? Who were the people involved? How am I going to get to sleep tonight????

Ups and Downs

Sorry about constantly changing the layout — I’m looking for one I like that also makes it possible to see whole photographs.  Eventually I’ll shrink them and it won’t matter.

Monday my father took me to Pep Boys.  They fixed the tire for free, and only charged $13 to put it on the car.  That’s a whole lot better than buying a new tire!!  Then we went and had lunch at IHOP, which means I also had enough leftovers for supper. 

Tuesday was back to school.  The weather is warm and the kids are acting like summer vacation starts tomorrow, rather than grasping that they had this week and next week and then it’s the AIMS tests.  The highlight is SFA, where the story I’m reading aloud is the second book in the Dragon Slayer Academy series. It’s a lot of fun and I get to do a lot of drama when I’m reading it.  It’s the sort of book that begs to be read aloud.

Wednesday is staff meeting, and part of that is a name being drawn for Employee of the Week.  This week it was actually me!  I got a mug filled with stickers, pen, pencil, highlighter, candy, tea, pad, etc.  I shared the candy with the teachers who were sitting around me.  I also got a certificate and the Employee of the Week parking spot, which is now mine until next Wednesday after work. 

My insurance card had come on Saturday, so yesterday I took my prescription to get refilled, to pick up today or tomorrow.  It’s not covered!!!  So I’ll pay the $135 this last time and try to find a primary care physician pronto so I can get an acceptable prescription.

Then I get home and think I’ll do some laundry, since I haven’t done any during the week.  Last weekend was a marathon of laundry in the new washer.  So yesterday I didn’t concentrate apparently.  After it seemed like it was nearly time for the first rinse cycle (and thus the need to add softener) I go into the kitchen — where there is an inch deep (OK, maybe a little less) of water on the floor because the exit hose was sitting on the floor and not in the sink!  Oh, my, what fun that was to clean up!

I tried to do my taxes on-line last night and almost had a heart attack.  I have to find my moving papers and hope I can deduct moving expenses.

So this afternoon I’m thrilled that I’ve survived the week.  It is the weekend, and things can only look up from here, right?  Guess again.  I check the district’s web site on the classroom computer and there it is — a little blurb saying that a number of first-year teachers are getting lay-off notices, today.  A short time later I get paged over the intercom to go to the principal’s office.  I do, and the principal and assistant are there.  They ask me how I am, and I say stressed, because I just was reading the internet.  They asked me what I read and I told them.  Yep, that’s why I was there.

Nothing is carved in stone.  Here’s the thing.  They are talking about closing 4 schools.  That means those teachers have priority in available jobs.  Next comes teachers hired new at the beginning of the year.  Last comes … me and people like me hired later in the year.  On the plus side, they like me and want me back and will do as much as they can.  They believe it might be possible for me to still come back next year, especially in light of the fact that last year they started the year with seven long-term subs.  They said not to panic yet.  Riiiiiiiiiiiiiight.

So that’s my fun week so far.

Adventures In Living

Saturday had the great potential to be a calm day, followed by an activity at night.  I had around a quarter of a tank of gas or less, and somewhere to drive to at night, so I decided to go get the gas in the afternoon.  I drove to the station and the car wasn’t right.  Of course, I drove home again.  The car still wasn’t right.  I checked the tires.  The rear passenger one looked lower than it should, but to me a flat tire is, well, flat.  So I touched it, and it was mushy.  I went in the house, found AAA’s number, and went back out and looked at it again.  Yeah, it warranted a phone call.

So, they came out and I actually did have a spare, which is really a donut.  I e-mailed one of the people from the Saturday night thing and said I doubted I was coming, as it would mean driving to Speedway and Wilmot, in the dark both ways, on a donut.  That didn’t sound appealing.  It’s a long distance from here to be driving on something that’s not an actual tire.

I had made brownies, but they didn’t turn out very well.  Edible, though, of course.  Just not great.

Then I decided to go to the Easter Vigil at the church I was baptised at.  I’m getting ready and look in the mirror (not something I actually do much of) and there it is — a red spot on the white of my left eye.  Now there’s a reason they call that part the white of your eye — it’s supposed to be white!  Not red!  But I’ve had enough for one day, and get ready and drive the three or four blocks to church.

It was a bit surreal.  The year I was baptised (1992) was the first year they baptised by total immersion.  It was a very big deal, and there were many of us, like 12-15.  There were also maybe 6 or 7 making a Profession of Faith (completing their sacraments or converting from another religion but already baptised) and one couple that was getting their marriage blessed.  Maybe a couple couples.  The church was packed that night, standing room only.  The next two years I was part of the teaching group and so I had reserved seating again, and again it was standing room only.  Last night six people were baptised (in the permanent baptistry — they built a permanent thing for total immersion) and there were huge gaps in the seating — entire rows empty.  It’s just such a change.

This morning I refused to get up when the cats wanted to at 8, and managed to keep going back to sleep until 8.  When I was brave enough to look in the mirror, the red blood patch in the eye had spread.  There was no pain at all, just a minor sensation of actually feeling that my eye was there, but that’s it.  Still, this was not a good thing.  So when my father called this morning to ask if I wanted a ride to his house (so I wouldn’t have to drive on the donut) I said that I was actually thinking of going to Urgent Care.

So he drove me there first.  We got there at 9:40 and left at 12:30.  (All I had for breakfast was part of a brownie from yesterday.)  Basically the doctor (whom I saw for MAYBE five minutes) said that it was a spontaneous bursting of a blood vessel and since everything else was fine, not to worry.  If it happens again, go to an eye doctor.  That was it.

Then we went to his house, and had Easter dinner with Dottie, Buz, Jemma, and Jaeden.  It was a nice time but I sure am pooped!  Dang, I ate a lot, too!

Tomorrow morning I’ll finish report cards and in the afternoon we’re going to get the tire fixed possibly.  It just has a screw in it, so perhaps it can be fixed and reinstalled.  I really like boring days better, for the record!

Pics.5

Ahh, but here? It’s a beautiful day for a ballgame! (except for the tiny detail that we lost 7-3) The hottest the scoreboard sign said it got was 81, but it was at least 5 degrees hotter in the stands. Sunburn hot. Still, it was fun!

Pics.4

Sue’s house, today — Good Friday. Sue claims the colored splotches are eggs on the tree.  From today’s emergency weather bulletin:

STORM TOTALS OF 12 TO 16 INCHES ARE EXPECTED AROUND THE MILWAUKEE
METRO AREA…WITH A FEW ISOLATED AMOUNTS TO 18 INCHES POSSIBLE IN
WESTERN MILWAUKEE COUNTY. LESSER TOTALS OF 4 TO 7 INCHES ARE
EXPECTED NEAR SHEBOYGAN.

Pics.3

Hail! We really did get hail on Sunday!

Pics.2

These are the kitty teapot, the two cats (I think in one they briefly were together, and in the second Ginny is doing what cats do best…)

Pics.1

These are from when Joyce, Benjamin, and Gary came and visited. Dottie, Dad, and I went to lunch with them. I threw in a couple of photos of downtown from the same spot in front of the restaurant, because I find that really tall building intriguing and I watched it being built. I’d change buses downtown to go to college courses and watched the building going up.

Spring Cleaning

It was sunny and 61 this morning, and somehow that inspired me to get things done.  I got some laundry done that’s now out on the line.  It’ll be in the 80s the next few days, so there’s no worry about clothes getting dry.  I had a couple of very large boxes on the patio that I cut down and put in the dumpster.  I took a load of stuff from the back patio to the storage room, and cut down some sort of mutant weed.  The mutant weeds are these things that sprout up and grow (like weeds!) at the slightest hint of rain.  It rained two days last week, and that’s all it took.  One was at least four feet tall.  They remind me of the huge things that were in the back yard in Jefferson.

I still have a little bit to do on my report cards.  This report card has been particularly frustrating.  We got nothing from the reading department — no 4Sight test results and no SFA report cards.  So how am I supposed to grade the kiddies?  I don’t have them for reading!!  All she gave us was a sheet with their reading levels on them, which doesn’t cover the three categories on the report cards.  So I went over to talk to them, and she printed something out for me that actually has the exact same categories as the report cards!  This is a new test results format, and so I’m the only one who actually has it at the moment.  My six missing writing tests still haven’t appeared, so I used other writing samples instead.  So now I have two more columns of grades to do, plus a comment for each child for each subject.  The report cards won’t print otherwise!

So mostly my day today is cleaning the house and patio, doing laundry, and playing on the computer. Hope yours is a lot more fun than that! 

24/24

24 years, 24 hours at a time. Yes, indeed, I’ve been sober 24 years today! The word “miracle” is such an understatement, every year. Of course, my original sobriety date was my sister’s birthday, February 4th, but when I was sober somewhere around 45 days I relapsed for one day. It wasn’t pretty, and mostly pretty stupid. There was a lot of farce in the beginning, actually.

In college I drank like a fish. When a psychiatrist had put me on the antidepressants that were available back in the dark ages (they were really tranquilizers) my psychologist knew they didn’t mix with alcohol. He was very clear that I couldn’t do both — drink and take the meds. The meds knocked me out (I would lay down before lunch for a quick nap and my roommate would wake me up for supper), and when I was awake I had a totally flat affect. I didn’t have any emotions — including about the minor detail that I was flunking classes. Weighing that against drinking was a no-brainer — I stopped the meds and kept drinking like a fish.

I was only there a year, and after that I could go long periods of not drinking. But I remember a lot of stress at work, being on the graveyard shift at Devon Gables. There was a girl there who decided she should fight with me constantly about the holiday schedule. I was off the night of the Christmas party that was scheduled for Lodge East (our section, which we called a “floor” even though it really wasn’t), and didn’t want to go because I didn’t want to have to deal with her giving me a hard time. (Of course, I don’t even remember her name. Ahh, the power we give people!) In the meantime, my roommate had found herself another boyfriend and moved in with him, and I had until the end of the month to find a new place to live because I couldn’t afford the two-bedroom apartment on a nursing home salary. So I drank (something, who knows what) before the party … a lot. I was relaxed and had a great time. The next day I went to work, and no one said a word about my being drunk the night before. So that night at work, somewhere around December 22, was the last time I was sober until February 4th. Really.

I worked graveyard shift, so drinking in the morning wasn’t the same as being a morning drinker because your morning was my evening, since it was after work. Drinking when I got up and got ready for work didn’t count as being a morning drinker either, since it was 9 at night. One of the keys of being an alcoholic was being a morning drinker, and if you never have “morning” you can never be a morning drinker. Smart, aren’t I? I would suck on cough drops on my way to work (I didn’t have a car; someone else drove me) so no one got close enough to me to notice I smelled like a winery. Before long, I’d get the shakes around 1 or 2 in the morning at work. That was definitely not pretty. But I kept going.

At home, things were surreal. I moved to this little cottage sort of place in the back of a trailer court. But my coping skills were extremely minimal, being drunk all the time. While moving I put a lot of boxes on my bed. I didn’t have a bathtub but just a shower. I didn’t unpack anything so my bed stayed full, and I had bags of clothes in the shower — that got dripped on and ruined. Ronda hadn’t paid the last gas bill (I’d given her my share of the money for it), so I had no gas at my new place — thus no heat or stove in January. I used a space heater. The kitchen had some sort of nasty flat carpeting, and so I slept on the kitchen floor with the space heater on me. Of course, when you’re drunk, you don’t have to worry about falling out of bed if you’re already sleeping on the floor.

I also didn’t have a phone. One day I’d had enough and went to the Circle K to call AA from the pay phone. Someone was on it, taking forever, so I bought more alcohol instead. Eventually, I went up to WestCenter, which was an inpatient alcohol rehab place. They gave me to some kid who asked a couple questions and decided I only needed AA meetings, even though I had insurance and really should have been medically detoxed. Instead he told me where to go to meetings and that I could get Antabuse from my doctor.

The most I weighed at this point was 100, and I’m sure it was less than that.  (Smoking 2 packs a day was great for keeping one’s weight down.)  My first night at work was hell, and so I went to one of the nursing supervisors and explained the situation, and got took two days off, followed by my regular two days off.  And so I detoxed without any help, just going to AA meetings.

What’s pertinent about my first AA meeting was that I called a cab, but while I was waiting for it my mother was driving by and saw me.  Well, she must have been coming over because I didn’t live anywhere that anyone “drives by.”  She drove me to the meeting and picked me up again, but then took me to her house.  She proceeded to pour herself a large drink and pointed out that just because I stopped drinking didn’t mean the rest of the world was going to.  If I remember correctly, my first thought was two words, the second referring to a dog and the first to what two dogs do together.   You had to be there.  It was my first day sober, and not a pretty start.

Anyway, because of my low weight, the antabuse made me sick.  It never occurred to me to cut the pills in half — Del thought that one up later.  So instead I stopped taking them, and of course drank again.  The timing is pertinent.  This was 1984, six years after my miscarriage, and the anniversary was extremely raw.  So the depression from that combined with so much else led me to give up and buy a 2-liter bottle of wine.  I drank half of it one night and it had no effect at all.  THAT was the pits!  The next morning I ended up calling Del as I had every morning or nearly every morning for part of my sobriety up to that point.  I’d been calling my sponsor every morning too, but that was a joke.

Anyway, I ended up telling Del what happened and she had this radical notion that I should actually pour out the rest of the wine.  Why????  What if I needed it again???  Um, that seemed to be the point!

And so I went to AA meetings every morning, generally walking 3-5 miles there and back.  At some point that year, someone invited me to a party for her AA birthday.  She said that if I could stay sober, as messed up as I was in the beginning (and still was at that point), then anyone could do it and I gave her hope!

And so, that’s actually the short version, believe it or not!  But this day, every year, I remember sleeping on the kitchen floor because I was incapable of simply taking the boxes off my bed and putting them on the floor.  I remember losing clothes to mildew because I couldn’t take the bag out of the shower.  Sobriety rocks, and if you’re reading this then you’re one of the people who has helped me stay sober, one day at a time.  I thank you.